Well, today, she told me she is now in a relationship with a guy named Harry. Trying to keep my composure for that hit was truly hard. I would rather take 3 finals in a row than to take a hit like that ever again. My mind instantly went into shock and I believed my voice shook when I replied to the "great news". I guess fate was never on my side to begin with, but I never lost hope until today. Sickening to my stomach as I think about it; really. The love of your life has just moved on like nothing happened and while we just walk around Lincoln Park as we were trying to catch up from the past 3 months. It made my body wither away with every damn step. I don't know what I did wrong, or what she did not see in my to give me a chance, but I believe this is the first time I felt what it feels like to fail in no hope of returning.
I'm in depression right now and the degree of pain my heart is taking is not worth it. I'm just glad my emotions together is a great dam. The tears I'm trying to hold back is just unbearable, but manageable.
She wanted to hangout again, and I don't know what will happen to me then. Feeling like a main character in a drama blows because you have educated guesses of what would happen next. No wonder Q like to seclude himself sometimes in his own little world that we know. It is must more relaxing. No pressures, and the serenity of just being alone feels invigorating.
Have I held on to her long enough? I probably have, but my mind just wont let it go. Every single time she gets mentioned in my life, fond memories come back and I can't help but to just take it. Like an addiction to narcotics.
I feel my hands shake internally as I writing. Whether it is out of anger, frustration, or panic. I can't do this anymore.

Hi Janice! Hi Eva!

I don't even know who posts things on blogger anymore. Eva's the only other person that blogs on here and I admire her that she can do this almost everyday D:

Why am I so goddamn stupid?!

Look at me preaching out to tumblr when I can't even live by my own beliefs. I have this girl, who rejected me once and here I am scared to death by thinking about asking her again... I just don't know what to do. I need help, thats what. Some of you may say "dude, its been way too long", and you're right. Its been 2 years now. I liked her on november of 2009 and I never stopped since. Yeah, yeah I might turn out to be like Nguyen, but I'm willing to take that chance since I know myself and my limits.
"Grow some balls! or You're such a girl!", yeah i know jackie, I'm working on that too, haha.
I'm just too afraid.
I'm just too afraid to tell her I love her
too afraid that those 2 letters will touch and shatter me like a rock through glass
too afraid that I will never find another person like her in my life
to tell her that even in times when I'm happy, and when I think of her, I calm down as if I got shot, like in the movies. Standing there, staying very still, contemplating on whether or not she would ever like me, even a little. I don't toss around the word "Love" that often nor do I ever get a chance to say it that often, but when I think I feel it, I know that as least something of that caliber is there.

There are thousands of thoughts running through my head right now as I'm typing this, here are a few:
1. Would girls go "awww" to this? because this is straight up sad. A boy just trying to figure things is turned into rubble by a mere mortal girl
2.I have school work due this week, midterms and finals are coming up, will I pass? How about summer school? summer plans?
3.I think jackie would come kick down my door, take a chair and bash it against my head and yell at me as do many other people I think I know.
4.What the fuck am I doing right now? should I take this down? should I not post this? should I leave it up for a day and then take it down? should I just throw this out there and hope for the best?

Persistence, is it really a good trait to have? Ugh. I'm just about vented out.
Goodnight.

Sooooo

Kassandra's being a little b**** right now because I said a joke about her major choice "one too many time" even though everyone in our group bags on her on everything every now and then. Such spoiled little brat... Good thing I didn't even think about going out with her or else her stiff personality would make me more unhappy then I already am... ugh! I just want to yell at her for the sake of me not bottling up all this discomfort just because a princess didn't have it her way for once. She says she has no friends once she moved to high school, but had a lot of friends in middle school... I don't get it. Did friends from middle school vanish all of a sudden? do you not keep contact with them anymore? Jeez. Be independent with your friend making skills or something fuck! You have the potential to be a really good friend, but noooo, just because a person does something that you don't agree with doesn't mean they're not a person that isn't friendable by your books.

See this is why I'm not a person who writes things down other than a list because THIS IS SHIT.

What's bothering me...

is the fact that, for my heart to forget her, I have to completely cut off all contacts with her. Deleting her off my facebook, phone (this in itself is hard because she has my phone # and she texts me occasionally), AIM (same with the phone), tell people not to mention her for a while, and put away everything that reminds me of her (ex. the prom pic taped to the backside of my senior year verdugo id) ... thats alot of fucken work!

the reason I'm thinking about this at a time like this? I don't know, I looked at my AIM buddy list and she was there.

Yeah... I can't force myself, but I could slowly push it away. Then theres always the long gruesome way of just letting it walk out of me.

I don't fucken know anymore. I might, just go for it, again.

What was I thinking?

It was a Friday night, my friends are all off partying and doing their own thing except for me. I got invited to a spam masubi making party, but it a mere hangout of a group of friends that I got dragged into because I just happen to know her. I have to say, it was the most awkward situation in my life: 2 couples doing their own little things making spam masubi and then there was me and her. I dislike her a little more every time she does or says something. "Why?" you ask, because she's pretty much a spoiled kid that only thinks about herself and only thinks about others first when she knows she's getting something out of it. I just wanted to call her out, but noooo, her "innocence" holds me back.

I'm going to go off in a tangents here: Girls. From my experience, they only call you, text you, come up to you, or come in any contact with you only to want/need something. Only occasionally do they do a nice thing for you just because it was a sincere jester of niceness. Its either me or the guys that she hung out with in the past, but every time... every freaken time, girls that come to me just want stuff from me. To help them out with this, to help them out with that, to do them a favor, to borrow something... I'm just over exaggerating this a bit, but you get my point. She set the bar for girls that I looked for and no one has came close to her yet. Beautiful in looks, brains, and heart. Only if she felt the same... I don't want to be like him, but its really hard since there's no one like our kind left. Trying to be that knight in shining armor for a girl that just wants mr. tall dark and handsome with a pocket full of cash that tries to buy her happiness. I mean, don't get me wrong, I met a few, but they ended up the types I hate. End Rant.

Anyways, so it was pouring rain and the hang out I said in the first paragraph was going like I had too much Mexican food the night before. I walked backed because everyone wanted me to go get the card game "Bang!", so I did. As I was walking out of my hall I saw a girl drenched and walking by, so I went up to her and said hey... bad move. She freaked out screaming. *sigh* I guess chivalry is dead after all. I still managed to get my umbrella over her head and walked her safely to her hall without making anymore of a fool of myself before I head back over the where the "party" was. I felt pretty good though, I'm not going to lie. Trying to be a gentlemen does have it's feel good moments. So back to the hangout... It was the most saddest thing I've seen since my last birthday. I just wanted to get the eff' out of there... I ended up leaving at 1am...

I saw tangled today. It made me want to punch myself for a certain reason.

@Jaaackie

Hi! (:

I hope you're excited about the Sun God Festival and all the joys that come with being a Triton. I hope that this summer we can hang out with not a fuck given to anybody except ourselves. I hope that all the things you post here is enjoyed and not judged upon even though you might think otherwise. I hope that you are getting what I'm trying to say, because to me, I think I'm just typing like an idiot. I hope you're not going to be anywhere near upset that I probably can't go to SGF, but like you said in your text, "Summer." and just to let you know, that made me smile a bit.

So.

My roommates are drunk, and about to get high right now. I'm the only sober one, and I'm kind of scared that all hell would break lose and I can't stop 3 guys at once. They took 9 shots of vodka, and about to smoke a joint. Good grief. I need to take a shit.

Hmmm

I rarely write in blogger now, the only reason I keep this is because I just don't feel like delete/moving away from this. Plus it's kind of fun to read what Jackie, Jaddis, Eva, and .... wow I'm the only guy with the blogger from all the friends I have... awell. Well, I like to read what they post sometimes haha. I guess this blogger with be my posts of little secret stuff that I think about, but it's not really a secret haha. For example. I still like her, but a birdy told me that time is running out. What should I do? I'm thinking: I'll ask her when the time is right, and so far, no opportunity has shown itself where I'm satisfied with the setting and the mood. I have a year.

Kids these days...

So Chinese new years is a blink away and I hear all these kids saying that they can't wait to see those red envelopes for money... That. Pisses. Me. Off.
I'm NOT a materialistic person. If I ever become rich for something that I truly love to do, I'm going to give a good amount of my fortune to charity and all that good feeling stuff.
My parents gave me red envelopes a couple days ago and I didn't bother opening them. I just like the fact that I get something like that, I don't care about how much money I get or all that monetary profit at the end of Chinese new years, I just care that it's a tradition I get to enjoy. I get to visit family that I dont get to see often on a regular basis, be O.K. in believing in luck and good fortune, even though I know that nothing happens out of chance in the real world, and being able to wear new clothes every year for a whole week.
I don't really want to be negative during chinese new years so I'm just to stop there with my rant haha.
Being a younger generation, the stuff we love as a kid and all the morals&manners that our parents taught us are deteriorating like a sand castle with every wave that comes by. By waves, I mean with every new round 8th graders.

Hellogoodbye 2011

I wanted to have my first kiss with a certain someone on new years day when the clock hits 12:00:00, but that's just a fantasy. Well, that is too big of a request.

by the way if you're wondering what's wrong with me right now, I'm just hating the fact that I'm not spending this new year the way I had planned and that I'm stuck here on new years eve watching the stupid jersey shore cast take over MTV. Remembering when I looked forward to seeing MTV on new years eve. Michael Jackson, Prince, John Mayer... looking back and comparing it today, it just makes me emo. I mean, I like change, just not bad change.

Starting 2011 as an emo introspect. perfect. I feel like locking myself in the science library with a physics/math book in front of me while everyone's celebrating the end of an overall shitty year with the exception of the overall performance of the high school class of 2010. I see big things from us.

I'm sorry to whoever's reading this, I just get like this from time to time when I'm just by myself and I think of everything and its usually the best outcome of past situations. Just tears me apart. Awells, I'm just glad that the optimistic part of me can balance my emo side.

After much thought, I think the cure to my illness boils down to one statement:
To be showed as much affection in return as I show my affection towards her.
(I need to own a dog perhaps.)