Well, today, she told me she is now in a relationship with a guy named Harry. Trying to keep my composure for that hit was truly hard. I would rather take 3 finals in a row than to take a hit like that ever again. My mind instantly went into shock and I believed my voice shook when I replied to the "great news". I guess fate was never on my side to begin with, but I never lost hope until today. Sickening to my stomach as I think about it; really. The love of your life has just moved on like nothing happened and while we just walk around Lincoln Park as we were trying to catch up from the past 3 months. It made my body wither away with every damn step. I don't know what I did wrong, or what she did not see in my to give me a chance, but I believe this is the first time I felt what it feels like to fail in no hope of returning.
I'm in depression right now and the degree of pain my heart is taking is not worth it. I'm just glad my emotions together is a great dam. The tears I'm trying to hold back is just unbearable, but manageable.
She wanted to hangout again, and I don't know what will happen to me then. Feeling like a main character in a drama blows because you have educated guesses of what would happen next. No wonder Q like to seclude himself sometimes in his own little world that we know. It is must more relaxing. No pressures, and the serenity of just being alone feels invigorating.
Have I held on to her long enough? I probably have, but my mind just wont let it go. Every single time she gets mentioned in my life, fond memories come back and I can't help but to just take it. Like an addiction to narcotics.
I feel my hands shake internally as I writing. Whether it is out of anger, frustration, or panic. I can't do this anymore.

Hi Janice! Hi Eva!

I don't even know who posts things on blogger anymore. Eva's the only other person that blogs on here and I admire her that she can do this almost everyday D:

Why am I so goddamn stupid?!

Look at me preaching out to tumblr when I can't even live by my own beliefs. I have this girl, who rejected me once and here I am scared to death by thinking about asking her again... I just don't know what to do. I need help, thats what. Some of you may say "dude, its been way too long", and you're right. Its been 2 years now. I liked her on november of 2009 and I never stopped since. Yeah, yeah I might turn out to be like Nguyen, but I'm willing to take that chance since I know myself and my limits.
"Grow some balls! or You're such a girl!", yeah i know jackie, I'm working on that too, haha.
I'm just too afraid.
I'm just too afraid to tell her I love her
too afraid that those 2 letters will touch and shatter me like a rock through glass
too afraid that I will never find another person like her in my life
to tell her that even in times when I'm happy, and when I think of her, I calm down as if I got shot, like in the movies. Standing there, staying very still, contemplating on whether or not she would ever like me, even a little. I don't toss around the word "Love" that often nor do I ever get a chance to say it that often, but when I think I feel it, I know that as least something of that caliber is there.

There are thousands of thoughts running through my head right now as I'm typing this, here are a few:
1. Would girls go "awww" to this? because this is straight up sad. A boy just trying to figure things is turned into rubble by a mere mortal girl
2.I have school work due this week, midterms and finals are coming up, will I pass? How about summer school? summer plans?
3.I think jackie would come kick down my door, take a chair and bash it against my head and yell at me as do many other people I think I know.
4.What the fuck am I doing right now? should I take this down? should I not post this? should I leave it up for a day and then take it down? should I just throw this out there and hope for the best?

Persistence, is it really a good trait to have? Ugh. I'm just about vented out.
Goodnight.

Sooooo

Kassandra's being a little b**** right now because I said a joke about her major choice "one too many time" even though everyone in our group bags on her on everything every now and then. Such spoiled little brat... Good thing I didn't even think about going out with her or else her stiff personality would make me more unhappy then I already am... ugh! I just want to yell at her for the sake of me not bottling up all this discomfort just because a princess didn't have it her way for once. She says she has no friends once she moved to high school, but had a lot of friends in middle school... I don't get it. Did friends from middle school vanish all of a sudden? do you not keep contact with them anymore? Jeez. Be independent with your friend making skills or something fuck! You have the potential to be a really good friend, but noooo, just because a person does something that you don't agree with doesn't mean they're not a person that isn't friendable by your books.

See this is why I'm not a person who writes things down other than a list because THIS IS SHIT.

What's bothering me...

is the fact that, for my heart to forget her, I have to completely cut off all contacts with her. Deleting her off my facebook, phone (this in itself is hard because she has my phone # and she texts me occasionally), AIM (same with the phone), tell people not to mention her for a while, and put away everything that reminds me of her (ex. the prom pic taped to the backside of my senior year verdugo id) ... thats alot of fucken work!

the reason I'm thinking about this at a time like this? I don't know, I looked at my AIM buddy list and she was there.

Yeah... I can't force myself, but I could slowly push it away. Then theres always the long gruesome way of just letting it walk out of me.

I don't fucken know anymore. I might, just go for it, again.